Awkward & Wild Aging / by Dana Bergstrom

I'm at a confusing stage of life.

What do you wear when you're 46 years old, but don't feel 46?

Middle aged ladies seem to don a LOT of scarves. It's just something that most of us do.

I'll occasionally sport a scarf to dress up a dull outfit, yet every single time I drape, twist, loop, or tie one of those things, I feel like a fraud.

In truth, a scarf is just an extra piece of colorful fabric to catch food chunks that miss my mouth. I have a sense of incredible awkwardness for about ten minutes after putting one on. It's as if I'm pretending to be a real-life grown-up with my super fancy lady bib. Then I forget it's there till I get hungry again.

I'm also attracted to certain types of clothes that don't seem "age appropriate" (whatever that is). I like things for the wrong reasons.

Here's an example:

One day I was at the height of PMS/TDYing. I'd already downed some donuts and was busy running errands.

I went into TJ Maxx on an impulse and saw a t-shirt that said WILD on it.

"Ooooh! That's meeeeee! Gotta have that shirt!" I squealed inside my hyper perimenopausal brain.

I bought it, hopped in the Mini Cooper, then smiled and sang my lungs out all the way home.

Happy happy! Joy joy! I've got a t-shirt that "gets" me!

As soon as I walked in the house, I put it on, looked in the mirror and my heart sunk. All the way to the floor.

In my delirious mania about the word WILD, I'd overlooked something.

It's not a WILD t-shirt, It's a MINNESOTA WILD HOCKEY t-shirt.


Now when I wear it people are gonna ask me about HOCKEY!

I dunno shit 'bout hockey. I have no interest in hockey. When does hockey season even start? NO CLUE.

All I know is that I do not want to be TALKED TO or TALKED AT about hockey when I wear this shirt.

Major. Buyers. Remorse.

Then I was hit by another realization.

What I just did was NO different than when an uptight, great grandma buys a bright pink t-shirt that says HOT STUFF in big sexy letters. It's baffling to the entire family.

"GiGi, why'd ya buy that shirt?"

"Because, dear, I like hot stuff. Ya know, spicy food. Isn't that what this shirt's about?"

This is where I'm at in life when it comes to fashion. I'm just as confused as that great grandma.

Blame it on the hormones.

However, I am NOT taking the shirt back.

I AM GONNA EMBRACE my awkward style stage in all of it's grand fullness, just like a GiGi.

I'll wear my WILD shirt and if anyone says anything to me about hockey, I'll squint at them and shout,

"Whatcha talking about?! This shirt's about feral people!"

Then I'll spit my dentures out at them.

Oh wait. Can't do that yet.

Gotta get dentures first!

Things to look forward to!

Awkward and wild aging.

Bring it.