Goody Two Shoes Goes To Prison / by Dana Bergstrom

Whenever I’m in the mood, I like to start my day with NIA 5 Stages. It’s a unique bodywork practice that begins with me lying in the fetal position on the floor. Then I begin rolling around on all four sides of my body with arms and legs slowly waving in the air, much like a fetus would move in the womb. This first stage is called the Embryonic Stage. I do each of these stages for about minute or so, but gets weirder. Then I slither into stage two, the Creeping Stage, and begin moving around the room as if I’m a lizard on its belly. This stage is much more difficult than you’d think. It takes a bit of upper body strength to pull oneself around. After that I start crawling like a baby because, well, I’m in the Crawling Stage. Then I move into Standing, which isn’t actually standing, it’s squatting with arms held high above my head like a chimpanzee reaching for the sky and I pivot my upper body while attempting to balance in a squat. Lastly, I rise into Walking, where I'm on my tippy toes and then eventually casually stride around the living room until I feel like I'm finished.

Now why on earth would I do this crazy creepy crawly squatty walky exercise? Because it acts like a natural chiropractor for me. My body works out all of its kinks through these organic movements in five easy minutes. It just feels good.

I took a NIA 5 Stages class through community education and there were three students at the start but I was the only one left by the end. That’s probably because it felt too strange to be doing such awkward movements as grown ups. Most of us adults are just not comfortable crawling around like lizards and squatting like monkeys. It made us feel funky and not the awesome kind of funky.

Betty Bones, the teacher's assistant, congratulating me for sticking it out with the freaky class.

Betty Bones, the teacher's assistant, congratulating me for sticking it out with the freaky class.

I invited one of my friends to try the class and emailed this video to caution her about what she was getting into. She agreed to come but only because she wanted an ass like the guy in the clip. Hey! Who wouldn’t?!

Butt, alas,

my ass

was the only one

that stayed in class.

It was just too weird for everybody else. I freakin loved it.

What does this have to do with going to prison? Well, this morning I started out NIA 5 Stages in the usual Embryonic Stage and told myself that I am RAW – Ready, Alert, Waiting – the words my teacher, Esther, would repeat each time we began our practice.

And then my mind immediately went to just being raw, being really real. I honestly want nothing more than to be raw, but Lord only knows what might happen during a perimenopausal raging lunatic attack if I actually am raw. And, geez, I definitely don’t want to end up in jail!  As mentioned in the last post, my current life goal is to stay out of prison. I’ve tried so hard during my life to be good! So so hard to be oh so good!

Suddenly “Goody Two Shoes Goes To Prison” pops into my brain, sounding just like a Curious George children’s book title. I then see a small hard covered book with a sunny yellow background. It’s illustrated with a proper 1960s blonde bouffant coiffed housewife in a fitted, flower print, knee-length dress and sensible heels. She's handcuffed behind her back, looking completely perplexed while being hauled into the slammer by two dapper policemen in little hats. I begin laughing at this vision in my head while I'm in Embryonic Stage. And that’s when my husband walks in the front door to find me sprawled out on the living room floor clad only in a t-shirt and underwear, giggling uncontrollably

The fact that he discovers me like this makes me laugh even harder. Pauly doesn’t bat an eyelash. He runs over, jumps on top of me and puts me in a half nelson wrestling hold. Well, of course he does. The situation clearly calls for that move.

Later I decide it’d be fun to write about NIA 5 Stages under the title “Goody Two Shoes Goes to Prison” which I hope I never write about for real! But just in case…do you think they have wifi in prison?