I yell when I'm happy, sad, angry, excited, fearful and blissed out and this is simply because I enjoy being loud. I'm a tightly wound, hyper, feral human and it feels most natural to me to let my high energy rip at great volume. But lately I've begun to grow weary of angry yelling.
I've been developing a new way of being over the last several years. And today I feel like writing about where I'm at after temporarily losing my mind and going berserkers last night, mostly as a reminder to myself.
Okay. You know those programs we watched as kids where the characters had an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other? One was usually whispering things about being moral and good and the other was working to convince the person to be selfish. Well, this is essentially my take but without the morality bit which has always felt constrictive and not particularly loving. And the selfish part is kinda off too. Basically, my current perspective (and I'm always honing it) is that I have two inner voices. One whispers fear-based thoughts and the other whispers love-based thoughts. And the reason moralism doesn't play into my current perspective is because in one situation a particular action may be loving and in another it may not.
For instance, I don't think that all marriages are meant to be forever. Some people get married, eventually discover they're incompatible (even after working with a counselor) and then stick it out just so they won't have to consider themselves immoral or wrong by getting a divorce. Ever met people in marriages like that? It's easy to feel the difference in energy of couples who think they should be married than with couples who really love being married.
Actually, all of us who regularly listen to a lot of "shoulds, musts, have tos," (any kind of language that points to an authority outside of ourselves) can sense that heaviness. And the "shoulds" don't have to relate to religious moralistic beliefs at all. An agnostic or atheist who doesn't believe in an external authority like a God can be full of "shoulds" about education, family, money, status, etc. and beat themselves into a pretty miserable state with "have tos, ought tos, need tos". They are just making others' opinions or society's standards the authority rather than listening to their own inner voice.
I only think this way because I have been one of those unhappy people who has kowtowed to an external authority for most of my life. I used to believe in a God who was always watching and judging me. As long as I maintained specific beliefs and acted a certain way then I wouldn't be punished by said God and instead I would be loved. Then I dropped that particular belief system and decided to let other people's opinions and society be the authority. I wasn't having any fun with that system either. And now I'm moving through life differently again by attempting to listen to my own inner voice.
The inner voice of mine that I'd prefer to listen to more often is the voice of love. The one that knows all is well, that we're all whole and perfect as infinite energy, that any differences we see and judge are superficial and unreal and that only love truly exists. Some people actually call that inner voice of love "God" but it really doesn't matter what anyone calls it.
The voice I would rather not listen to but still often do, is the voice of fear. Some people call that voice "The Devil". Again the mythology isn't important, but I do know from my own experience to not take the myth literally and project these God and Devil ideas as external beings that have authority over me. Any time I've been rigid about any external authority type thoughts and walked around judging things, I was not exactly a shiny, happy, loving person. Even if it was something seemingly harmless like "Everybody should meditate and love the earth!' That judgy shouldy belief still dragged down my love vibe.
Not long ago I read this statement, "Everything you judge you fear." I was immediately struck by its pure simplicity. I decided to test it out for myself. When I found myself judging something I would ask why and I continued to ask why until I got to the bottom of it and there I always found some kind of fear. Always.
One of my favorite bloggers and friends also wrote this powerful one liner about judgment which totally rung my bell, "Judgment is conditional love, which is no love at all." If you've ever been "loved" with conditions then you know just how off that feels. Whenever I get into a judgy, fearful state, I am not being loving and it just doesn't feel good.
Because I've spent most of my existence listening to the inner voice of fear, I have consistently not felt good. When I awoke this morning I suddenly realized that I don't really know how to feel good, at least not for long periods of time! If I feel too good for too long I'll find a way to sabotage it because feeling great is so unfamiliar to me. I'll eat some crappy food or I'll look for something to complain about or get worried about. Actually, it's pretty ridiculous when I think about it.
And this is exactly what happened last night. I felt really great all day and then I became incredibly fearful about a massive project that Pauly and I are about to embark upon (possibly, we're still waiting to confirm the details) and I began angry yelling at him. But I didn't want to be near him while I was yelling so I ran away and yelled from the other room. He'd follow me and then I'd run to the next room and yell from there. I yelled and yelled all over the house. (I'm sure it would've been a real hoot to witness.) I eventually settled down, took a step back and saw that I was listening to my inner bully, my voice of fear. That's all it was. It had nothing to do with Pauly. And when I stopped and recognized it was just a case of mistaken identity - me listening to my false self instead of my true self - then I began to feel good again.
This is a daily practice but more truthfully it's a minute-by-minute, second-by-second practice. Being aware of which voice I'm listening to can either make or break my day, hour, minute, or second. And after last night's rowdy fear-fest, I've decided that I'd much rather yell and feel great. So today I'm going to find new, creative ways to hone my focus on my love-filled inner being. I'm a little fearful that it'll make me less funny but that's just my inner bully talkin'. See? I got to practice shifting my focus right there! We shall see how this all goes.