Suicide Is An Option / by Dana Bergstrom

You can't tell me that it isn't. I've had a couple of people close to me take their own lives. We all know of people who have done so.

Some humans do it quickly and others choose a very slow bodily death. Staying in unhealthy and stuck relationships, overuse of food and drugs to temporarily escape life's stresses, as well as fearful, judgmental, anxious, sad and angry thinking all can slowly block the natural flow of energy in the mind, body and spirit.

I think many of us choose the slow option unconsciously. As I become more aware of my thoughts, actions and the energy behind them, I know I've done this and still occasionally do.

The suicide we typically think of is the speedy option. Make the decision, make a plan and get it done. That's one I also gave some consideration to. It seemed like it'd be a way to relieve myself from the sheer exhaustion of trying so hard for so long to live up to unrealistic expectations.

One of the funkiest dudes on planet Earth, Prince, sums it up in "Controversy":

Do I believe in God?
Do I believe in me?
Let me tell ya
Some people wanna die
So they can be free

I said life is just a game
We’re all just the same
Don’t ya wanna play?
— http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/prince/controversy.html

Life was not a fun game for me. I had an incredible amount of beautiful and amazing things going my way, yet this existence often felt like a non-stop ferris wheel composed of other people's needs and demands, as well as my own. As soon as I worked hard to achieve whatever goal or expectation was set out in front of me, the next one would appear. It felt like all of the external authorities' judgment along with my own self-judgment would never end. I wanted off. I didn't want to play anymore. I wanted to be free.

But then I stumbled upon a few people who also wanted to take an early exit from their bodies, only to finally realize the intense joy of being in one. Here is one such author and non-dual teacher, Jeff Foster, who explains the urge to die clearly and concisely.

I spent the first 23 years of my life wanting to die. And here is what I discovered: The urge to die is the urge to live in disguise.

The urge to die is the urge to disappear as a separate self, to vanish into the vastness of Being, to rest deeply, as we have never rested before. It is the wave longing to return to the ocean… forgetting that it was never divided from the ocean in the first place. An innocent mistake, easily corrected with a little investigation.

The urge to die is not negative, sick, dark or sinful, but it is deeply, deeply misunderstood, that’s for sure! We ignore the urge, push it away, hide it, medicate it, keep it a secret, try to numb ourselves to it or even philosophize it away. But when acknowledged, honoured, listened to, even the suicidal urge, the urge to shed our false skin, contains infinite intelligence. All feelings do!

For secretly, the urge to die is the urge to awaken, to come alive, to stop identifying as a separate body-mind, to remember our original nature, vast and free! It is the urge to shed the false ‘me’ (ego, self, person) to stop pretending to be something we are not, to let go of all that is second-hand and inauthentic, and to live, to really live, fearless and free, as consciousness itself, full of life and potential and cosmic creativity!

The urge to die is not our enemy – it is not to be annihilated and not to be feared. It contains a profound message of awakening and change. It says, shouts, screams, “You are not limited to what you think you are! You are a child of the Universe, remember, deserving of all its riches! Only the false can die, and you cannot be false!” Can we hear its call? Can we listen, really listen?

The wave cannot return to the ocean, cannot get Home. It was never divided from its Home in the first place! You are already Oceanic, friend, and the true suicide is not the stopping of the body-mind but the remembrance of your original and unblemished nature, here and now, beyond the ravages of time!

LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! NOTHING TO LOSE!
— http://www.scienceandnonduality.com/understanding-the-urge-to-die/

I read this and felt like I finally understood what had been going on with me all of these years. I didn't actually want to die. I wanted to live authentically. I wanted to discover my own thoughts, my own beliefs and my own voice that resonated with who I really am. I no longer wanted to be the person who others expected me to be and simply parrot the many fear-based beliefs and behaviors that I'd picked up along the way.

What photo goes with this blog post topic? There really isn't one, so here's a pic on the day I wrote it, yesterday. I'm hamming it up in front of the paint scraping progress on Fixer Upper #5. Whoooo!

What photo goes with this blog post topic? There really isn't one, so here's a pic on the day I wrote it, yesterday. I'm hamming it up in front of the paint scraping progress on Fixer Upper #5. Whoooo!

I found my way out of a prison of "shoulds", a jail of false, external authority-pleasing beliefs, a self-made stockade of serious thoughts that made me feel separate, suffocated and physically sick. And more often than not, I'm able to choose thoughts that take root in the wholeness and playfulness of all of consciousness and life.

I am not separate from the Love/Source that creates everything we see in form. And neither are you. Underneath these meat-puppet costumes and personalities we put on, we really are made of exactly the same love energy as star-stuff, just like Carl Sagan and Funkmaster Prince say.

So I'm happy to be here in a hyper, perimenopausal, middle aged female body on planet Earth. And even though the Inner Bully is always ready to find something wrong with this game of life, I can simply choose a way to shift my thoughts to something that feels better. That act alone will get me off the Friggin Ferris Wheel of Seriousness so I can once again love the experience of being human. There is no shame in considering suicide, but it's not our only option.

Petting friendly dinosaurs is just one of the many joys of being alive. See how happy we are together? Life is pretty great.

Petting friendly dinosaurs is just one of the many joys of being alive. See how happy we are together? Life is pretty great.