There has been a sharp increase in my yelling blowouts lately and perimenopause is not the only factor contributing to all of the fear-based hollering. Pauly and I are taking on a massive new project (to be blogged/blabbermouthed about soon), neither one of us has regular income and frightening thoughts about our uncertain future often whirl around in my mind, occasionally morphing into scenes involving yelling, crying and gnashing of teeth. So today I decided to try something that might help: silent meditation.
Yesterday my wise friend, Marian, with whom I have a deeply authentic, passionate and hilarious email relationship, sweetly suggested to me for the umpteenth time that I give meditation a go when I was writing to her about her "life is a game" analogy that I love soooo much.
Marian: "And of course, the very best thing you can do to keep your lucidity high, nag, nag, nag, is meditation. Silent, sitting, meditation. Your favorite thing. Every day, 15 - 20 minutes, in the morning. Meditation sharpens your focus throughout the day. It strengthens the muscles of the mind."
Me: "If you mention meditation ONE MORE FUCKING TIME!!!!! Hahahahahahahaha! Oh my god. The resistance. But I know you're right........Meditation! The ultimate game trick!"
I've always hated sitting still and doing nothing. But yesterday I let go of some resistance to the idea of sitting in meditation as Marian and I were emailing back and forth. I actually felt a bit of heavy energy leave my system while writing about it.
So today I wanted to meditate. I know I'll feel better if I learn to harness the power of my wild mind. It'll help me tune into the voice of love over the voice of fear with more ease. But here's what happened after I sat up in bed cross legged and set a 20 minute timer:
Ahhhh. A peaceful mind. Here we go. [Closes eyes and focuses on the breath.]
Ooooh, this feels so nice. I'm calm. Relaxed. Wish I could be this relaxed when I'm riding on the motorcycle with Pauly....Ya know, I just need a better place to hold on to him so I feel safer. He won't let me wrap up my fingers in his shirt because I pulled up his shirt that one time and flashed everybody...Hmmm, I could grab his crotch, then I'd have something to hold on to! Haha. Geez, it's so hard to not paw at and talk sexy with him on the motorcycle. But it's totally not safe. Not safe at all. Death by sexual harassment! That's what they'd have to tell everybody at our funerals. Dana couldn't keep her dirty mouth shut or her hands off of her poor, hot husband so they crashed and croaked. Those "No Texting and Driving" Public Service Announcement (PSA) campaigns are pretty popular but there aren't any "No Sexy Talky/Touchy on Motorcycles" campaigns. I better work on creating that PSA before anyone else loses a life!
Oh crap. I forgot. I'm meditating. Okay. Here we go. [Focuses on the breath.]
You know who I love and is also dead? The late great Mitch Hedberg. That guy cracked me up. His joke delivery was just so odd and so lovable. I loved Phil Hartman too. I was so sad when he died. NewsRadio's Bill McNeal is one of my favorite characters of all time. I loved all of the characters on that entire show. Everybody was so quirky! I'm gonna write about comedies I love and why I loved them. That'd be fun.
Oh no, I'm still not meditating. [Opens eyes]
Awwww. Pauly's sleeping. Husbands are so cute when they're asleep. He's just so dang adorable. I better not stare at him too long or he'll feel my eyes on him, wake up and then I won't get any meditating done.
Oh right. I'm meditating now. My timer is going. Okay. Let's try again. [Closes eyes. Focuses on the breath.]
Ahhh. I love this feeling of peace. You know what else I love? Writing. I love writing about whatever pops into my mind. But I have no idea if I'm even doing it right. I'm probably messing up the grammar, the punctuation, the paragraphing. Maybe some friendly reader of the blog will just nicely email me and tell me where I could improve my stuff so it's more readable. Oh! I'm having so much fun with my writing. I love love love it!
Oh geez. I'm still not meditating.
And it went on and on like this until my timer went off.
So then I got some more excellent advice from long time meditator, Marian. She said to keep a pen and paper next to me and if I get any fun ideas while I'm meditating, then I can just write them down, restart my timer and get back at it. Well, of course!
Tomorrow is another day. I'll take another crack at meditation then. If things don't change, this could turn into a freaky stream of consciousness blog. And because this post was so much fun to write, I wouldn't mind that either.
No matter what, it sure beats listening to the inner bully telling me what a shitty job I did at meditating today. Pivoting towards the positive becomes a million times easier when I'm doing stuff I love. And I'm sure I'll eventually get the knack of meditation too. I even made it through a whole day without fear-based yelling, so perhaps I'm on to something here.
Side note: I ran this post by my shy, sensitive husband because of the crotch comment and he vetoed the whole thing while smiling at me and laughing. But because we purposely didn't put "obey" in our wedding vows and because he was laughing pretty hard while feebly objecting to my sex-positive writing, I'm hitting the "publish" button.