I Am Not A Lesbian...Yet. / by Dana Bergstrom

"All women are lesbians!" proclaimed a friend at a dinner party. "They just don't realize it until they get older." My eyebrows rose and my jaw dropped. Really?! The dining room table conversation suddenly became incredibly lively. All women? Geez! That seemed like an extremely bold assumption to make.

After some back and forth we eventually agreed to disagree and everyone chilled out a bit. I understand that sexuality is fluid and studies show that women are more likely to shift their orientation over time; however, I find sweeping generalizations like the one made at the dinner table that night to be a bit much.

I'm thrilled to have so many lovely friends of various sexual orientations in my life. I feel extra appreciative since I was conditioned with the idea that anything outside of heterosexuality was not okay. That concept has been a difficult one for me to understand simply because I had zero choice in who I found attractive. It was glaringly obvious at a very young age that my "type" was high vibe, soft energy, dark haired, dark eyed boys like Pauly, my husband of 23 years.

The first crush I remember was probably when I was four or five years old. Every single guy I've ever had a crush on has a very similar vibe and look. My options have always been kinda limited as a result of this innate preference, so I really hope sexy Paulycakes sticks around for a good long while. 

But hey! You know what kind of sex I am super curious about? Asexuality - a total lack of sexual attraction to anyone! It's tricky to wrap my tiny mind around that concept. Having fun with sexual energy is a huge part of my life and marriage, so it's fascinating to me that other humans don't experience that at all.

I wanted to know what the heck it was all about so we watched (A)Sexual on Netflix Instant. What an eye-opener! It wasn't surprising that asexuality isn't a choice but it hadn't occurred to me that these people would also have to "come out" to their friends and families. WELL, OF COURSE THEY DO! So many of us simply assume that people will partner up in that way. Asexuality can be a source of great upset for many parents and friends of asexuals; they cannot wrap their tiny minds around it either.

I was also incredibly surprised at how much hatred the people who identify as asexual in this film had to withstand from gay people during the Pride Parade in San Francisco! Even people who are incredibly misunderstood and oppressed are pretty good at misunderstanding and oppressing others. We've all got our Inner Bullies, don't we?

But that's no biggie. Focusing on ways to be separate, label and judge is just what Inner Bullies do. So there's no sense hating on the gays who hate in the (A)Sexuality film for that. All Inner Bullies are jerks because they thrive on fear. And I think we've all got 'em. We also each have a love-based Inner Being and it's up to us which one we feel like focusing on each and every second. That is one topic I love to make general statements about!

It really doesn't matter how any of us lean in our sexual orientation. Our authentic identities are as our Inner Beings, our true love-filled selves. All human labels and differences are essentially meaningless.

And, really, it's not about who you love, it's about being love.